This Week, These Things Happened, Part 2

Just a new "This Week, These Things Happened."

1. Micah and Judah were in the tub together.  Micah laid back, and Judah took this as an invitation to climb on his stomach.  So, obviously, Micah had to yell, "He's on my UTERUS!!"

2.  Emma drew a picture of me with bugged out eyes, crazy hair and flailing arms, labeled, "What Mom looks like when she doesn't get any sleep." Also, in the corner of the picture next to psycho Mom was Judah, playing in the toilet. She's surprisingly on point for an eight year old.

3. Claire told me that she's going to buy a new Mom because I made a "fussy face" at her.  She also told me that she likes to eat moths.

4.  Micah told me that he wishes that eyes could regrow, because then he could take Claire's eyes out and use them for a game called, "Eye-Ball." Ha. Ha. Ha.

5.  Claire and I were talking about authority.  (She noticed 1 year old Judah wasn't listening when I told him not to throw food off his tray).  I explained that he's little and still learning to be obedient, so we should set a good example.  She said, "Yeah, I'm not da boss."  I said, "Right, you aren't the boss. You listen to Mommy and Daddy.  Mommy listens to Daddy.  Do you know who Daddy has to listen to?"  Her response? "Uh..........um....Jenna?"  HA! WRONG! Jenna wishes.

More to come from Crazyville.......

This Week, These Things Happened

Occasionally, funny things happen/are said in this house that I have no real way to incorporate into a blog post because I lack creativity and am extremely lazy.  In spite of these failings, I want to remember these things when the inevitable dementia sets in.  So, when I find myself in that place, I'm going to write posts that say, "This week, these things happened." So....

This week, these things happened:

1. Claire ran out of things to yell at me when she was upset, so she accused me of killing a frog.  

2. Micah asked me if the Chinese can get hiccups.  

3.  I found a note that I wrote almost a year ago (when Claire was not even 2) that said :

10/29/2012

Today, I took something away from Claire that she wasn't supposed to have. She protested loudly, as expected, exclaiming, "Give dat back!" When I told her that it wasn't for her, she let out a very deliberate and very loud protest fart (she does this sometimes) and started growling at me. By this point though, she was too amused with herself to be angry anymore, and she started jumping and giggling. I think I'm raising a crazy.

4.  Micah told me that his pants are naked because they aren't wearing him. 

5. Judah is starting to try really hard to walk (not funny, but memorable all the same).  

6. I realized that I absolutely do not understand the rules of arguing with a two year old.  (see #1 and the argument* below.)

*Claire told me that she wanted to go to the fair again.  I told her that the fair was already over.  She started doing a weird convulsion whine-dance, while shaking her hands up and down and chanting...

Claire:  I want da fair, I want da fair.

Me: You don't understand.  The fair moves away.  It's not there any more. It's gone.

She stopped shaking, put on her mean mug, and in her best accusatory tone said,

Claire: You can't DIE my fair.

Me: Uh... I didn't kill it, it's just not there anymore.

Claire: No. You and my fader (father) can't kill my fair!

I love my busy house. THE END, for now.

Put Em' Up

Any of you who know us personally or who read this blog regularly, know that Claire is extremely busy.  She's known for her spirited and bright personality.  There is another thing though, that people may not be as familiar with.  She is absolutely hysterical.  She yodels to get the attention of her siblings when they are far out in the yard or pasture.  She dances and makes up stories.  If she can't remember what sound an animal makes, she just says the name of the animal twice in a high pitched voice. (For example, instead of quack-quack, she'll just say duck-duck). Sometimes, I cannot believe the things that come from her 2 year-old self.

A few days ago I was laying in the office, with my legs draped over the arm of an over-sized chair.  Claire came in and ran her hands up my legs.  Looking somewhat startled, she declared, "They's pokey!" I laughed and said, "I know.  I need to shave."  Shaking her head slowly in the most sincere disappointment, she sighed deeply, looked me straight in the eyes and said, "Let me see your armpits."

Evidently, I'm living with a tiny, judgmental officer of hygiene and I just failed her test.  I LOVE this kid.  Claire, thanks for being you.

Interviews

One of my favorite Mommy bloggers, at crappypictures.com, wrote a list of funny questions to ask her kids. The answers were hysterical, and she urged other Moms to try it with their kids.  So, I did.  The answers get less insightful and a little funnier the younger the kid.  I asked them all the questions myself.  Here are some of my favorite answers.

Emma: Age 8 (Miss Maturity)

Q: What makes you happy?
A: You.

Aw.  She makes me happy too.

Q: If you had one wish, what would it be?
A: To be in Paradise now and meet all the Bible characters.

Yes. Meeeee too.

Q: What is the silliest word you can think of?
A: Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

Q: What is Mom scared of?
A: Claire jumping off the bunk bed, us running into the road, us sneaking off, us being stolen, and the house being messy.

True enough.  I am pretty terrified of all those things.

Q: What does Mom eat and drink?
A: Salad and coffee.

I'd be a lot skinnier if that was it.

Q: What do I do when you're sleeping?
A: Clean crazy.

Micah: Age 5 (almost 6) (Mr. Tenderheart)

Q: What do you want to be when you grow up?
A: A fireman.  The type who runs inside the place to help people, not the ones holding the water.  They're helpful too, but not as helpful.

Q: When do you feel most loved?
A: When you hug me.

Insert body squishing, smothering, smoosh-face hug.

Q: What are you most afraid of?
A: Being murdered, being stealed, and for facts, I do not want to be bit.

Ok, most of that is really scary stuff (sad), but the way he phrased his answer still made me laugh.

Q: What is the silliest word you can think of?
A: Halalalalala! (With his tongue out and fingers in the air).

Q: What is the hardest thing to do?
A: Pick up a brick.

Yup.  I can see that.

Q: What is the easiest thing to do?
A: Do this. (Taps his mouth with his finger).

Q: How old is Mom?
A: Twenty Thirty.

Q: Outside of our family, who is your favorite person?
A: Matt (Reese) and Nathan (Threadgill).

Aw, I like those answers and those guys.

Q: If you could have any superpower, what would it be?
A: To protect everyone in the world.

That's my boy.  He always wants to help. I love that about him.

Q: What is Mom afraid of?
A: Us being stealed and Claire lighting a fire.

Correct.  And insightful. I need to hide the matches.

Q: What does Mom do for fun?
A: Play with us.

Claire: Age 2 1/2 (Miss Crazy Bean)

Q: What are you most afraid of?
A: Tree cows.

Well that makes sense.  They sound terrifying. Can you imagine if they were real? They'd probably launch themselves onto unsuspecting people below them.

Q: Can you tell me a silly word?
A: SILLY WORD!!!
Q: Uh, what is the silliest word you can think of?
A: Sink a da!

Q: How old is Mom?
A: 6

Well, it's better than 30....

Q: What is something hard to do?
A: Eat all your eggs.

I can't believe she even understands these questions.  I guess we make her too many eggs.

Q: Who is your favorite person?
A: The persons that are in my closet.

Hahahahaha! Creeeeeepy.....

Q: What is Mommy afraid of?
A: Big cows.

She must think cows are like monsters or something.  She does come out of her room at night sometimes, with big terrified eyes, and whisper, "Mama....the cow say Moo!"

Q: What does Mommy eat?
A: Some dinners and water.

Q: What does Mommy wear?
A: Noodles.

Yes.  Always.

Q: What do you want to be when you grow up?
A: I wanna fly.

Me too!!

Q: What does Mommy dream about at night?
A: Juice.

So, there you have it.  I'm going to try to remember to do this periodically, because I think watching their answers change as they grow will be really entertaining.  If you have kids, give it a shot.  It's totally worth it.  Let me know what they say so that I can giggle with you.

The Musings of a Two-Year Old

Silly conversations abound in this house.  Claire, who is 2 1/2 now, is beginning to contribute heartily to the goofiness that resides here.  She has started making up ridiculous, fairly well-developed stories.  They almost always involve poop.  Here is an excerpt from a conversation today.

Claire:  The key-mow tinks.

Me: The kitty mow stinks?

Claire: Nyesh (yes). <insert long, dramatic pause> He poop on me today.

Me: What? No he didn't.

Claire: <emphatically> Nyesh he did Mama.

Me: He did?!? What did you do when he pooped on you?

Claire: I pank him.

Me: You spanked the cat?

Claire: Nyesh!!

Me: Wow.....What did he do when you spanked him?

Claire:  He say "Hisssssss!"


At this point, she pulled her hands up to her mouth and started giggling.  I love her little stories.  Expect more where that came from.

Chinindians

My lovely sister and perfect niece are in town right now.  They are staying with my Mom, so the kids and I went over to visit today.  While we were there, Micah was channel surfing.  He found a sports channel and watched it eagerly.  He was dashing all over the living room, trying to imitate the players.  He kept asking questions about where the teams were from and what they were called, but I had no idea. So, he began reasoning through things on his own.

His best statement came when he declared that the team in the white jerseys must be Chinese.  We asked him why and he replied, "They have Indians on their shirts."

Oh, OBVIOUSLY!  That makes perfect sense, don't you think?

The Family Blocks

Emma: Moooom!! Micah has blocks in his underwear. His actual underwear!

Micah: (suppressing giggles).

Me: Micah, honey.  Take those out.  Blocks don't go in your underwear.  Besides, you already have jewels in there.  There really isn't room for anything else.

Micah: Wha.....? I have jewels in there? I don't believe you, but I'm checking. (Pulls underwear out and looks around.)  Nope. Nothing.

Me: Oh, they're in there. They're family jewels.  You just don't know what you're looking for.

Of course, I'd backed myself into a corner here.  I ended up having to launch into an explanation of what the family jewels are, and why they are called that. Way to go, me.   

Don't Look a Present Horse in the Mouth

Micah has sure been giving me a lot of things to laugh about lately.  He has been rocking kindergarten like it's his horse and is even beginning to read. (Yay for homeschooling)!  Today we were playing a word game that is designed to help him practice certain consonants.  I had to have him guess a word by giving him clues, and when he figured out the word, he had to tell me what letter it started with.

So, I was trying to get him to guess the word "gift."

Me: Ok, this one is another word for present.

Micah:  Present?

Me: Yes, like something I give you.

Micah: Well, uh...it could be....well, a present....um...

Me: Think about it.  If I gave you a present, what else could you call it?

Micah: Um, I don't know.  Mr. Present?

Me: Ahahahahahaha!!!!  NO! Not a name for the present! What's another word for present?

Micah:  What's wrong with Mr. Present?  I like it.


Well, I like it too, because 'Mr. Present' is a much cooler thing to say than 'gift,' don't you think?

Random Freckle Nonsense

Micah: (With his underwear pulled part-way down, examining his butt.) Diarrhea is so much fun to look at!

Me: What? Ewwwww!

Micah: Freckles! Freckles! I meant freckles!

Me: Uh....

Micah: What? I have a freckle on my butt.

He seems fascinated by freckles lately, and they have been coming up in random conversations a lot.  He recently asked me if I like freckles or anger more.  I think I'll go with freckles. After all, as parents we are supposed to show interest in things that our kids enjoy, right?

Pee-fowl

This story is an oldie but goodie.  If you've already heard it, forgive me, but I had to record it here because it is one of my favorite memories to date.  

One day, Joseph and I were sitting in the office, listening to Emma and Micah playing in their bedroom.  They had no idea that we were eavesdropping, and we overheard this beauty of a conversation.

Micah: Hey Emma, did you know that peacocks don't pee?!

Emma: (Indignantly) Yes they do! They pee soooooo much.  That's why they're called pee-cocks.  Otherwise they'd just be called cocks.

Micah: Ooh...okay.

What can I say? I love these kids, and one of the best parts of having them is the, hysterical, gut-wrenching, tear-inducing laughter that you get to share with your mate.  Emma, Micah, this picture is for you.  I hope someday it makes you laugh as hard as you made us laugh.

A Little Preckle of Nonsense

My Micah says the silliest things.  Sometimes he even invents his own words.  My favorite of late is "preckle."  I'm not certain that I could define it exactly (being that it is not a real word and all), but it applies to very small things or a very small amount of something and seems to be a combination of the words speck, freckle and sprinkle.  Example: "Please may I have just a preckle of ice-cream?"

Another great word was invented when I was recently sitting on the ground in the sun with Micah next to me. He was rolling all over me the way five year old boys are obligated to when their mothers stop moving for more than ten simultaneous seconds.  Then, this conversation happened:

Me:  Ow Micah!

Micah: What did I do?

Me: You stuck your elbow in my kidney.

Micah: Wait. You have kidneys right there?

Me: Yes.

Micah: Oh...I thought you had grown-up-neys.

Yep, that's what I have.  If I ever have a urinary tract infection, I'll tell the doctor to give me a preckle of antibiotics before it spreads to my grown-up-neys.  Makes sense to me.

I think I'm going to start writing a Dictionary of Made-Up Terms so that people can understand our particular brand of nonsense.

The Rationally-Minded Eight Year Old

I love the way that kids reason through things.  Here is a great example from Emma, the oldest of the four.

We have cows in our pasture.  Cows poop a lot.  A few days ago, when the kids and and I were returning from a walk, Emma noticed something straw colored and dried out on the cow's gate.

Emma: What's that on the gate?

Me: Probably poop.

Emma: That doesn't look like poop.  It looks like hay.

Me: Well, that's all they eat.  They probably got poop on the gate and it dried out in the sun, and that's what is left.

Emma: That doesn't make any sense.  Are you trying to tell me that if you ate a hamburger and pooped, and let it dry in the sun, it would look like a hamburger again?

Of course, at this point, I was in awe of her humorous logic and couldn't stop laughing.  It's probably better that way because, to be honest, I couldn't come up with a good response to that.  It is pretty logical, after all.

Oh, come on.  You know you were wondering what it looked like.

Even Ladies Need to Wipe

We put the kids to bed a little later than normal last night.  Papa is here visiting, and we had a late dinner and were just generally enjoying each other's company.  By 8:45, everyone was in their bedroom.  By 9:45, Claire was out for the 4,679th time.

Joseph: Go to bed.  I do not want to see you out again.

Claire: I has to go potty! <exit Claire to the bathroom>

She's gone for two or three minutes, and returns with bare buns.

Claire: (Proudly and emphatically) I went poop!!!

Joseph: Great.  Go. To. Bed.

I started to say something about wiping and clothing, but she beat me to it. 

Claire: Nooo! I need pants and I's got poop wight hewe!!

And then, she bent over, head between her legs, and showed us exactly where she needed to be wiped.

Thanks.  Thanks for that.  It's nice to know we're raising a lady.

The Death of Babyhood

My Claire is two.  This girl, who I thought would be our last baby, has remained tiny in my heart. This is in spite of the fact that she is potty-trained, dresses herself well, (sort of), feeds herself well, (ok, now I'm just lying), and is generally the busiest, most exuberant person I have ever met.  The other night, however, she changed my perspective.  I was tucking her into my bed, (that's right), and we had this conversation.

Me: Goodnight Bear.

Claire:  No Mommy, don't say goonite bear.

Me: Ok, um, I love you.

Claire: Don't say love you!

(This is all normal when she's tired.  I'm not allowed to say anything, because it is all intolerable when you're two and you need to sleep).

Me: Ok.  <I pull the covers over her and kiss her forehead in lieu of saying anything> 

Claire: No Mommy! Don't kiss my! (Not a typo.  She often replaces 'me' with 'my' and I ♥ it.)   

Me: What? I can't kiss you? My kiss means I love you!

Claire: No Mommy.  Eees so GWOSS!


And there you have it people.  The day the baby transformed into a kid, and crushed her mother in the process. She has always loved kisses and snuggles.  ALWAYS.  Now my kisses are gwoss.  I guess it's a good thing our fourth little love made a surprise appearance, or I'd probably be crumpled up on the floor in a ball, rocking a stuffed animal or something.  Sheesh.  

So what about you? How did your little ones discard of their babyhood?

The Jeffersons

So, we homeschool our kids.  As you can imagine, this results in some very intellectual discussions.  We've been learning about money recently, including which president is on what coins/bills.  This jewel of a conversation came a few days after these lessons.

Emma: Who is George Jefferson? I heard Mom talking about George Jefferson earlier.  

Micah: Uh, I know! He's the guy on the nickel!

Emma: Oooohhhhhhh........

For those of you who don't know, George Washington is on the dollar, Thomas Jefferson is on the nickel, and THIS is George Jefferson....

The best part about all of this is that the person that she actually remembered me talking about earlier was Mr. Rogers. ( I had dressed Judah in an old man sweater and said he looked like him).  For those of you who don't know, THIS is Mr. Rogers.  

So, to summarize today's lesson for you all, 

+    is not =

 or            

Got it? I've got to say, this has left me feeling like the most competent teacher EVER.  

Chaos and Calenders

Sure, go ahead and homeschool your kids.  You will, (as Micah always says), suffer the consequences. Example:


Micah: Ah. Today is a day for no chaos.

Me: Did you just say chaos? 
Micah: Yes. (WTHeck, I had no idea he even knew what that meant). 
Me: Wow, so no chaos, huh?
Micah: Yeah, so don't ask me to do any chores, okay? No chaos and no chores. This is my relaxing day.
Me: (Holding in snickers both because he is unreasonably adorable and because there is no way he's getting out of chores) How, exactly did you decide that THIS is the day for that?
Micah: I looked at my calender and today is totally blank. 

Well, that makes sense. That's what I get for teaching him how to use a calender.